Silverback here, I guess. I'm 61 but I don't feel that old. Mentally, I'm the same person I've always been, just wiser from a lot of bad decisions; really, really, bad decisions. The only thing I ever did right was marry a good woman and raise 11 children (9 of them boys) with her.
Here's a few things I've learned about raising boys into men.
Boys need boundaries. Why? So that they can fight against them. No one can call himself a man if he's never been in a fight, any kind of fight, and both won and lost battles. Anyone who would mentor boys must also be man enough to admit when his charge has won a battle against him, and not gloat when he loses.
Boys need purpose. A man is one who has become his purpose. Not "all work and no play". Purpose must be set aside at times, but it can't be allowed to rust and tatter. But setting it aside for a time allows for adventure and discovery. Serendipity will provide, during these adventurous times, new tools to be used for purpose when it is picked back up. Boys will cycle through many purposes. Encourage them all, but don't force them to choose. A man's purpose must chosen by himself.
Boys need examples, not lectures. A picture paints a thousand words, and you are the living, breathing, moving picture boys see.
Boys need to be the heroes of their story, not helpless victims of circumstance. Early, they must be helped to overcome; not allowed to be totally vanquished, but not coddled and shielded either. As they grow, your help to them must be minimized to only the duties of your actual role, not a single part of theirs. You can toss them the sword, but they must slay the dragon. You can't be a hero if someone else does it for you.
Boys WILL learn that they have the power and ability to bend reality to their will, to serve their ends. Pursue good ends yourself, and shun bad ones, and they will do likewise.
Hey, this is becoming a text wall, I'll end now. Love your stuff, keep up the good work.
Damn but that's awesome! I remember ranting about the French Empire and Rome, and this one kid broke down after class as he's illiterate so I took him aside to teach him to get over his written-dyslexia. Turned out the kid hunted, boxed, knew Norse mythology (he could read just not write for some reason), he knew Dumas, Hugo and even I think Aeneas. He also knew DBZ and everything else that's cool.
Damn but your story about Ezequiel reminded me of that Phisto. This is the single coolest essay you've ever written.
Kids are awesome, and young people rock. I used to detest them but since about a year ago, I've come to adore them and just love passing along all knowledge and watching them just master it ten times faster than I did at their age.
tldr; you the man Phisto, damn but I love posts like this. Please give us another like it soon!
Another silverback here. These three sets of words to live by come to mind exemplifying what to do, how to do and how long to do it.
A man walking the beach picking up starfish was told you will never save them all. He picked up one starfish and threw it into the sea. No, but I just saved that one.
I cannot push from behind, I cannot point the way. I can only be by their side ready to help.
I would rather be the oldest person in the gym rather than the youngest person in the nursing home.
I want to second pretty much everything Comrade Phisto Sobanii has said here, and to scrawl two notes in the margins. First: all this really does work, more or less, mutatis mutandis and with due humility, if you are the teacher of young women as well. Just pay a lot of attention to what you know you don't know, and you'll have less chance of making a fool of yourself when the unknown unknowns come along. Second: beware of the siren-song of aspiring to be a model, an inspiration, a mentor, of getting a movie made about you. Of course you may discover that you have willy-nilly stumbled for a moment into a role that loosely matches such a label, but if you discover it is feeling comfortable or cozy, get back to meditating on all that "sinfulness and retardation" in yourself. Take the responsibility seriously: if you labor for your own self-image, verily you have received your reward. Occasionally in the course of staying at your post, you will hear a note of thanks or of admiration; it is reasonable and right to be gratified by this, to take these as tokens of real connection, and to feel appropriately glad and humbled; but if you get to hankering for these, if they become your motivation, you will just trip over the shoelaces of your own ego. And of course, if (and when) you do that, get up and laugh at yourself and get on with the work. Be aware, too, that you can't win 'em all, or even most -- with luck and grace, you may break even, but fortunately for you, you won't know the final score, at least not in this life. Stay genuinely motivated by curiosity about what it is like for your students to be themselves, and remain yourself a student of the matters you teach, and you'll be oriented more or less in the right direction. As the Blessed Fred Rogers said: the best teachers are those who love what they love and let you witness it. Love is the foundation, the process, and the crown of it all. Just remember that real love wants to be competent at loving.
An addendum to my previous note to Phisto's advice to male teachers of young men (though, I said, it works for teachers of young women too, if you aren't a dunderhead -- and I would note that I assume this advice is broadly applicable to female teachers (many of my own models are these) but as Phisto said, I don't know what I don't know, so I'll hold my peace there). What I do want to add is: Be for things, not against things. It's fine to raise your eyebrows at DEI or at flag-waving; to get your hackles up about Free Speech or MAGA or Woke; to feel despondent over The Genocide or the unraveling of the social contract or whatever skirmish du jour in the culture war that is lodged in your mind -- or indeed, making you pour out your heart to God in prayer; but you make yourself into a cartoon if you rail against things (even if truly out of righteous zeal -- and you know in your heart of hearts that it is often not really about that). Of course you will have to at least implicitly "take a stand" and voice critique -- the really sharp ones will pick up on it without you saying too much -- but let your No be in the service of your Yes. If you are against fake hoop-jumping performative whatevers, don't grouse about how socialism or social credit is looming, and if you are appalled at the gutting of what's left of The Great Society, don't spit about corruption in high places or about techbros and libertarians raking in profits. All of that is distraction. Enact the justice you believe in, right there, by seeing and making yourself available to the students in your class, and you will be "teaching justice". That's where your work is -- not in the halls of power or in far away war zones, or even in the distant past or in the covers of The Great Books. You can make all of that present in your classroom and your conversation -- and if your passion is in working for a worldly cause, Godspeed -- but to make it present, *you* must be present.
This is a piece from my friend Phisto, an on-going conversation "what do young men need." Mine posts Friday morning (maybe Thursday)
Genuine stuff, real talk. Men have a responsibility to young men, to show them the way of the world, that young men will make the best of it, and be better and stronger than we are.
Ah so relevant this is. I'm having a rough time with my oldest. His mother tried to take him away from me when he was very little, but I didn't let him go.
But still the drunken stepfather she foist on him and then the lockdowns caused great confusion and upheaval in his life.
I have to let him figure it out on his own now, but I worry about him all the time, and he is angry at me for refusing to accept his girlfriend. He says I'm racist for it (she's an Indian -- Nooksack tribe) but really she's just an extremely disrespectful and nasty girl.
I'm so sad to think I might lose him over this, but what choice do I have? I can't let this vicious, troublesome girl into the family.
Thats where its useful to have Uncles or Cousins who can offer alternative points of view to get him to understand why his girlfriend is a poor choice. Alas, extended families have been destroyed over time.
Meeting a young man who couldn't start a motor, drop a tree, lay a squared set of foundation stones, wire a circuit, or play a guitar then introducing these things to him was an epiphany. He was twelve then, now 21 and is headed out of town for his first job in real life. Vaya con Dios, young sir.
I got to find another one. Having no one to teach these things to has me thinking I am not maximizing the point of this phase of life.
Some are not receptive. 2 grandsons who when I ask if they want to learn how to drive a standard transmission or catch a fish, roll their eyes say OK, Boomer, and go back to their phones. If anyone has a cure for that situation, RSVP?
Women are out of control. This experiment has failed catastrophically. Read Ephesians to understand how your woman must *voluntarily* submit to your leadership. Read further of the solemn responsibilities you bear with respect to her well-being.
Nietzsche thought very hard because physically he was quite limited. He walked and said you couldn't think well without walking; but his eyesight was shit, he was prone to headaches and writing was not easy. So he distilled his thought into such draughts that just a sip requires you to stop and give it time to fill your mind, to percolate and disturb the things you thought you knew. You don't drink deeply unless you want to founder or just utterly stupefy yourself.
The Ubermensch to come was not necessarily a physical superman, but one of discernment and control over himself (and not over others).
Silverback mom here. Much appreciation for your creative teaching techniques!
Beautiful article. I started worrying about boys back when my kids were in elementary school, in the late 90's. They were really pushing STEM, but for girls only. My daughter loved it, because she is a math/science nerd. I kept wondering why there was no program pushing these subjects for boys? Those who are interested may still gravitate into these fields, but it seemed like a strange omission.
I have skimmed comments on several videos focused on young men, and spent time during the Covid era on Telegram, seeing young men afflicted with a hopelessness that belied their years. They sounded like bitter middle-aged men, stricken with the realization that they would never achieve their dreams -- only they were in their 20's. They still weren't clear on what dreams they had, only that life seemed futile.
And, off-topic (apologies), I am sick of seeing males demonized in popular culture. Men are always the doofuses in commercials, having to have women explain everything to them. In feature films, large, muscular men are routinely bested by tiny girlbossing heroines, who dismiss their suggestions, and kick their butts in any physical conflict. It's all nonsense, and everybody knows it, but we aren't allowed to acknowledge it.
Aside from the fact that Christ is King and in the end He will win, my children are the single biggest thing that give me hope. They are also the strongest force on this earth working to transform me. I see the errors of my parents so clearly and it's really hard not to constantly blame them for certain things they allowed of my upbringing, and I strive to do everything in my power to prevent those errors from continuing. Children are incredible, and like many tenants of Christianity they are a paradox to the modern world. Weak, yet strong. Stubborn, yet malleable. Fragile, yet anti-fragile. They absorb and mirror everything their parents do and holy shit can that be scary.
There but for the grace of God I can make myself a little less evil and retarded, and a little stronger, too.
As always, a brilliantly written and inspiring piece. As a silverback who is just about to embark on homeschooling his son it's close to home and I will be using this and other things you've written as a guiding light. Thanks to you (and some of the comments here which were also excellent to read)
Silverback here, I guess. I'm 61 but I don't feel that old. Mentally, I'm the same person I've always been, just wiser from a lot of bad decisions; really, really, bad decisions. The only thing I ever did right was marry a good woman and raise 11 children (9 of them boys) with her.
Here's a few things I've learned about raising boys into men.
Boys need boundaries. Why? So that they can fight against them. No one can call himself a man if he's never been in a fight, any kind of fight, and both won and lost battles. Anyone who would mentor boys must also be man enough to admit when his charge has won a battle against him, and not gloat when he loses.
Boys need purpose. A man is one who has become his purpose. Not "all work and no play". Purpose must be set aside at times, but it can't be allowed to rust and tatter. But setting it aside for a time allows for adventure and discovery. Serendipity will provide, during these adventurous times, new tools to be used for purpose when it is picked back up. Boys will cycle through many purposes. Encourage them all, but don't force them to choose. A man's purpose must chosen by himself.
Boys need examples, not lectures. A picture paints a thousand words, and you are the living, breathing, moving picture boys see.
Boys need to be the heroes of their story, not helpless victims of circumstance. Early, they must be helped to overcome; not allowed to be totally vanquished, but not coddled and shielded either. As they grow, your help to them must be minimized to only the duties of your actual role, not a single part of theirs. You can toss them the sword, but they must slay the dragon. You can't be a hero if someone else does it for you.
Boys WILL learn that they have the power and ability to bend reality to their will, to serve their ends. Pursue good ends yourself, and shun bad ones, and they will do likewise.
Hey, this is becoming a text wall, I'll end now. Love your stuff, keep up the good work.
Magnificent stuff. Thank you!
49-year-old silverback here. Lots of scars to prove it. Only one daughter, though. As a one-time boy, this is brilliant.
Thanks.
Wow!
Haha, I hope that's a good "wow". Thanks.
Absolutely. To complement Phisto with that brilliance, is just doubly brilliant. Ty for sharing that gem.
Damn but that's awesome! I remember ranting about the French Empire and Rome, and this one kid broke down after class as he's illiterate so I took him aside to teach him to get over his written-dyslexia. Turned out the kid hunted, boxed, knew Norse mythology (he could read just not write for some reason), he knew Dumas, Hugo and even I think Aeneas. He also knew DBZ and everything else that's cool.
Damn but your story about Ezequiel reminded me of that Phisto. This is the single coolest essay you've ever written.
Kids are awesome, and young people rock. I used to detest them but since about a year ago, I've come to adore them and just love passing along all knowledge and watching them just master it ten times faster than I did at their age.
tldr; you the man Phisto, damn but I love posts like this. Please give us another like it soon!
Another silverback here. These three sets of words to live by come to mind exemplifying what to do, how to do and how long to do it.
A man walking the beach picking up starfish was told you will never save them all. He picked up one starfish and threw it into the sea. No, but I just saved that one.
I cannot push from behind, I cannot point the way. I can only be by their side ready to help.
I would rather be the oldest person in the gym rather than the youngest person in the nursing home.
Good luck with the coming school year.
I want to second pretty much everything Comrade Phisto Sobanii has said here, and to scrawl two notes in the margins. First: all this really does work, more or less, mutatis mutandis and with due humility, if you are the teacher of young women as well. Just pay a lot of attention to what you know you don't know, and you'll have less chance of making a fool of yourself when the unknown unknowns come along. Second: beware of the siren-song of aspiring to be a model, an inspiration, a mentor, of getting a movie made about you. Of course you may discover that you have willy-nilly stumbled for a moment into a role that loosely matches such a label, but if you discover it is feeling comfortable or cozy, get back to meditating on all that "sinfulness and retardation" in yourself. Take the responsibility seriously: if you labor for your own self-image, verily you have received your reward. Occasionally in the course of staying at your post, you will hear a note of thanks or of admiration; it is reasonable and right to be gratified by this, to take these as tokens of real connection, and to feel appropriately glad and humbled; but if you get to hankering for these, if they become your motivation, you will just trip over the shoelaces of your own ego. And of course, if (and when) you do that, get up and laugh at yourself and get on with the work. Be aware, too, that you can't win 'em all, or even most -- with luck and grace, you may break even, but fortunately for you, you won't know the final score, at least not in this life. Stay genuinely motivated by curiosity about what it is like for your students to be themselves, and remain yourself a student of the matters you teach, and you'll be oriented more or less in the right direction. As the Blessed Fred Rogers said: the best teachers are those who love what they love and let you witness it. Love is the foundation, the process, and the crown of it all. Just remember that real love wants to be competent at loving.
Splendid! Thank you.
Just let them pick up what they will from you. I like the bit about the best teachers - I agree totally
An addendum to my previous note to Phisto's advice to male teachers of young men (though, I said, it works for teachers of young women too, if you aren't a dunderhead -- and I would note that I assume this advice is broadly applicable to female teachers (many of my own models are these) but as Phisto said, I don't know what I don't know, so I'll hold my peace there). What I do want to add is: Be for things, not against things. It's fine to raise your eyebrows at DEI or at flag-waving; to get your hackles up about Free Speech or MAGA or Woke; to feel despondent over The Genocide or the unraveling of the social contract or whatever skirmish du jour in the culture war that is lodged in your mind -- or indeed, making you pour out your heart to God in prayer; but you make yourself into a cartoon if you rail against things (even if truly out of righteous zeal -- and you know in your heart of hearts that it is often not really about that). Of course you will have to at least implicitly "take a stand" and voice critique -- the really sharp ones will pick up on it without you saying too much -- but let your No be in the service of your Yes. If you are against fake hoop-jumping performative whatevers, don't grouse about how socialism or social credit is looming, and if you are appalled at the gutting of what's left of The Great Society, don't spit about corruption in high places or about techbros and libertarians raking in profits. All of that is distraction. Enact the justice you believe in, right there, by seeing and making yourself available to the students in your class, and you will be "teaching justice". That's where your work is -- not in the halls of power or in far away war zones, or even in the distant past or in the covers of The Great Books. You can make all of that present in your classroom and your conversation -- and if your passion is in working for a worldly cause, Godspeed -- but to make it present, *you* must be present.
“Be for things not against things” - I hear you.
This is quality stuff. Let's keep rallying and building each other up.
As we take a stand, I pray God will show us each our part.
To anyone who may happen to read this: Never give up.
"Then out spake brave Horatius,
The Captain of the Gate:
'To every man upon this earth
Death cometh soon or late.
And how can man die better
Than facing fearful odds,
For the ashes of his fathers,
And the temples of his Gods?'"
This is a piece from my friend Phisto, an on-going conversation "what do young men need." Mine posts Friday morning (maybe Thursday)
Genuine stuff, real talk. Men have a responsibility to young men, to show them the way of the world, that young men will make the best of it, and be better and stronger than we are.
Ah so relevant this is. I'm having a rough time with my oldest. His mother tried to take him away from me when he was very little, but I didn't let him go.
But still the drunken stepfather she foist on him and then the lockdowns caused great confusion and upheaval in his life.
I have to let him figure it out on his own now, but I worry about him all the time, and he is angry at me for refusing to accept his girlfriend. He says I'm racist for it (she's an Indian -- Nooksack tribe) but really she's just an extremely disrespectful and nasty girl.
I'm so sad to think I might lose him over this, but what choice do I have? I can't let this vicious, troublesome girl into the family.
Thats where its useful to have Uncles or Cousins who can offer alternative points of view to get him to understand why his girlfriend is a poor choice. Alas, extended families have been destroyed over time.
Meeting a young man who couldn't start a motor, drop a tree, lay a squared set of foundation stones, wire a circuit, or play a guitar then introducing these things to him was an epiphany. He was twelve then, now 21 and is headed out of town for his first job in real life. Vaya con Dios, young sir.
I got to find another one. Having no one to teach these things to has me thinking I am not maximizing the point of this phase of life.
Some are not receptive. 2 grandsons who when I ask if they want to learn how to drive a standard transmission or catch a fish, roll their eyes say OK, Boomer, and go back to their phones. If anyone has a cure for that situation, RSVP?
My 4 sons are very grounded and ready. Love the subjectiveness of passing a kid that showed interest.
Women are out of control. This experiment has failed catastrophically. Read Ephesians to understand how your woman must *voluntarily* submit to your leadership. Read further of the solemn responsibilities you bear with respect to her well-being.
Nietzsche thought very hard because physically he was quite limited. He walked and said you couldn't think well without walking; but his eyesight was shit, he was prone to headaches and writing was not easy. So he distilled his thought into such draughts that just a sip requires you to stop and give it time to fill your mind, to percolate and disturb the things you thought you knew. You don't drink deeply unless you want to founder or just utterly stupefy yourself.
The Ubermensch to come was not necessarily a physical superman, but one of discernment and control over himself (and not over others).
A HAIKU
This Silverback says
"Silence is FUCKING golden"
To apes all ages.
I know a human kitten for whom it was airplanes.
Silverback mom here. Much appreciation for your creative teaching techniques!
Beautiful article. I started worrying about boys back when my kids were in elementary school, in the late 90's. They were really pushing STEM, but for girls only. My daughter loved it, because she is a math/science nerd. I kept wondering why there was no program pushing these subjects for boys? Those who are interested may still gravitate into these fields, but it seemed like a strange omission.
I have skimmed comments on several videos focused on young men, and spent time during the Covid era on Telegram, seeing young men afflicted with a hopelessness that belied their years. They sounded like bitter middle-aged men, stricken with the realization that they would never achieve their dreams -- only they were in their 20's. They still weren't clear on what dreams they had, only that life seemed futile.
And, off-topic (apologies), I am sick of seeing males demonized in popular culture. Men are always the doofuses in commercials, having to have women explain everything to them. In feature films, large, muscular men are routinely bested by tiny girlbossing heroines, who dismiss their suggestions, and kick their butts in any physical conflict. It's all nonsense, and everybody knows it, but we aren't allowed to acknowledge it.
Well shit, I guess this article is aimed at me.
Aside from the fact that Christ is King and in the end He will win, my children are the single biggest thing that give me hope. They are also the strongest force on this earth working to transform me. I see the errors of my parents so clearly and it's really hard not to constantly blame them for certain things they allowed of my upbringing, and I strive to do everything in my power to prevent those errors from continuing. Children are incredible, and like many tenants of Christianity they are a paradox to the modern world. Weak, yet strong. Stubborn, yet malleable. Fragile, yet anti-fragile. They absorb and mirror everything their parents do and holy shit can that be scary.
There but for the grace of God I can make myself a little less evil and retarded, and a little stronger, too.
As always, a brilliantly written and inspiring piece. As a silverback who is just about to embark on homeschooling his son it's close to home and I will be using this and other things you've written as a guiding light. Thanks to you (and some of the comments here which were also excellent to read)