wow. my wife is a late stage type 1 diabetic as well. the doctors think it was her childhood cancer treatment/radiation therapy that did it. regardless, the last 7 years have been quite a reality check.
not that I would wish it on anyone, but being faced with death in a non-abstract way can be very liberating. during the “pandemic” we both immediately noticed how terrified yer average American was of getting Covid. convinced by the Gov that their odds of dying on a ventilator was about 50%.
Thanks for this, Phisto. You taught me about diabetes, and about life--and death. I've been dealing with some health issues myself (though not so serious as yours), which made your thoughts esp meaningful to me. I'll be thinking about you.
Really, for all the talk about diabetes, that's the first time anyone ever really broke it down to me like that...syrupy blood...ugh...
Well, my friend, I'm going to selfishly wish you a long and healthy life anyway, and you can't stop me! mwahahaha
Of course, I hope you "fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds’ worth of distance run," as Kipling would say, and make of that time whatever you like. And jokes aside, I deeply admire and respect the perspective. I'm reminded of the Stoics, and of Fight Club, and the Simpson's episode where Bart sold his soul to Milhouse... and a great many things, but none of those are the actual experiences you have endured (and continue to integrate into your life), so I thank you for sharing that with us in this eloquent article.
I think you are quite right about how the fear of death can lead to a rejection of life, and how the medical-industrial complex will "see you beaten down, demoralized, and spending your final days lashed to tubes in some hospital room long after your consciousness has ceased. They will feed your body, clean up its shit, and keep your soul from release for mere profane profit." Well said, tragic and horrifying though it may be...
So, it's time for a Kerouac quote!
“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes 'Awww!'"
Powerful, heavy stuff. I have long told myself, when it is time, I will take one final solo trip in the Boundary Waters Canoe Area Wilderness.
Glad to have made your acquaintance. You said something to me recently I have been thinking about. You said I seemed like a to the bitter end kind of guy, in reference to our fight against our aspiring censors. I've been thinking instead, not to a bitter end, but to a beautiful end.
It is more difficult to write about the personal edge of life subjects about our own mortality. Your perspective in saying 2019 was much more difficult than 2020 days it all. Once you have faced something like that you can really do anything. As I read I understood your feistiness for justice now. Thank you for sharing your up close and personal journey. I know it was hard to write. Always is when it is an intimate look into our lives. I have not been on this app for long (I’m not much of a writer besides writing to people in D.C. :)or for my Corporate jobs) but you made quite an impression on me. I love your sense of humor, great wittiness and timing. It makes one want to fall in behind with a great General. You have a superpower.
My husband had type 2 diabetes then he got cancer. Chemotherapy and diabetes are a difficult thing. One minute we were talking (my Mr.Mensa had a quick wit too) as I turned I saw he went into a stupor. Try as I might to get a vein I couldn’t do fortunately I lived in a small New England town where I knew everyone. The Fire
Department came and 4 big guys worked on him. They brought him around. Magic in minutes. If the grid goes down to keep insulin cold, wrap it in ziplock bags well and utilize the cold water in the toilet tank if there is no ice or power. Or dig underground to the coolness of the earth, again wrapped well. Insulin needs refrigeration as you well know. I read a lot of prepping. There may be better items you can buy that will do that job but in a pinch these work.
Thank you for the intimate details of a frightening experience. We can all relate to at one point being at the edge of a cliff because in that moment it creates indelible tension. ❤️👏
I decided long ago that the Big Pharma/Medical Machine will not rob me of one second of my dignity, especially when I am dying. No matter the cause, be it disease or old age, I will experience my end sober of mind and spirit, embracing whatever pain or deterioration death holds, (okay, morphine I would take), in order to deny the Machine another desperate patient accepting whatever poison is given them in order to extend their non-lives, (tubes, needles, sterile rooms and lights and food) just one more month, week or day; while their bank accounts are drained and their loved ones stand by and watch the slow horrifying march of a zombie towards death. I have watched far too many die that way. Cancer patients in particular. I want to be with my loved ones, eating delicious food, near a bright sunny window listening to birds sing, listening to audio books, symphonies and operas. Screw the medical establishment.
Excellent piece, I really enjoyed it! I’ve had my own brushes with life-altering health issues and it really does snap your priorities into focus like few other things I can think of. Be well. Thanks for writing this.
I know how you feel in some ways. My whole immediate family has health issues, both parents dead by 35. I have my own, regardless of how hard I try to be healthy. Autoimmune disease is uncaring about my efforts. But it makes me want to enjoy life while I can. No apathy here.
I did want to ask you, have you considered keto or carnivore diet for the type 1? I have a friend who's type 1 and she's a spin instructor. I'm always in awe of how healthy she is considering her diabetes, she's better off than most people I know. Truly. I'd consider looking into it if you haven't.
I would like to begin by saying I understand where your journey has lead you concerning death which was the point of your post and is a magnificent point. I also understand that you are not seeking advice but as the mother of a Type 1 who was diagnosed 9 years ago this month, right before his 16th birthday, I would like to share a few things. When he was diagnosed, his blood glucose was 600 mg/dl and we found out he had an A1c of 12.7 so they were certain it had been going on for a while. We missed many of the signs because he was going through puberty so he grew 4 inches in 3 months so we attributed the weight loss to that as my husband and I had both been chubby kids that thinned down when we went through puberty. Any way, as we sat in the hospital being "educated" on how to manage diabetes, I knew what they were telling him didn't make any sense and I told him as much. I then asked him, "If I am willing to do the research and if there is a way to maintain normal blood glucose levels so you can avoid the complications associated with chronically high blood glucose levels will you be willing to do it?" He said he was and I went to work. In 3 months, his A1c was down to 5.2 and it wasn't a 5.2 because he had multiple lows. I had found Dr. Richard K. Bernstein, MD who wrote Diabetes Solution. His story is fascinating. He was diagnosed at age 12 in the 1940s. I won't bore you with his whole story, but he pioneered the current glucose testing diabetics use today and was able to reverse the complications he had developed. He was an engineer but ended up going to medical school in his 40s because no one would listen to what he had discovered because he wasn't a doctor. He proceeded to go into practice and was still practicing into his 80s. Last I knew he was still alive and he was 83 then. Anyway, what he figured out was what we now call a ketogenic diet is what works. His book gives a lot of information on diabetes and diabetes management if you are interested. I understand your concern about DKA but DKA is not the same as being in a metabolic state of ketosis. DKA only occurs in the presence of high glucose levels. Ketones in the blood are not dangerous with normal glucose levels. Cory has eaten this way for 9 years. His endocrinologist only sees him once a year. His last A1c was the worst it's been since diagnosis and it was a 5.6, partially from him getting lazy with his diet and partially from wearing his omnipod on his arms. Once he moved it back to his abdomen, his insulin sensitivity improved. As you know, insulin is expensive. He puts the minimum amount of insulin in his pod, just enough to activate it then in 3 days, he still has to pull insulin out because he doesn't use it all. Since his last A1c, he chose to get back on track and is eating more carnivore. He even did a 4 or 5 day water only fast and did great. (I did ask him to drink an LMNT electrolyte drink on day 3 because I was a bit worried about his sodium, magnesium and potassium.) He had to suspend his insulin occasionally and he had to microdose some with smarties because his cgm, which he just started wearing 2 months ago, indicated he was trending low but he said he felt fine which would be expected in a state of ketosis. Dr. Bernstein says the perfect glucose level is 83 mg/dl. Cory's goal is always 80 - <120. Anything 120 or greater he gives himself a correction dose. He sent me screenshots of his last 2 weeks the other day to show off his flat line with an average glucose of 88 mg/dl. My point in sharing all this with you is, if you have a desire to manage your diabetes and maintain normal blood glucose levels, it is totally possible. Another positive about glucose control is illnesses are not near as scary. He has had multiple stomach viruses over the years with it coming out both ends and has never experienced glucose readings higher that 150. Same with respiratory illnesses, he has basically handled everything as well as our other 3 non diabetic kids. (As a mom, I still worry something terrible every time he is sick and am thankful he was blessed with a wife who takes good care of him and keeps me posted.) As an aside, through all my studying, I became convinced this is the best way all people should be eating. Tbh, his diagnosis was the best thing for the health of our whole family. That is story for another time, but just like Cory, I am 9 years eating this way and have been more carnivore than keto for the last year simply because I feel best eating meat and fat. This was a rabbit hole I never expected to go down but is definitely one I am very passionate about and thankful for, especially when it comes to Type 1 diabetics. As I read how you described it, my heart broke because, yes, all those things are true, but there is a way to manage this disease without riding the glucose roller-coaster and being doomed to all the horrible complications that result from it. I am convinced the medical industrial and pharmaceutical complex don't even give the information to people so they can make a choice because that doesn't put money in their pockets and it's easier to say, "Just eat what you want and cover it with insulin," than to help people because there is a lot to learn. It makes me angry! People should at least be given the information so they have a choice. In the end, we all will die and facing the day of our death and being at peace with it is important and I loved that message. If you took the time to read this whole thing, thank you and please know that I am coming from a place of love, not judgement or lecturing. I want you to know that the information and a community is out there if you decide to check it out. I would love to share resources and information if you ever want it. And if not, that's fine too. 🙂 I wish you all the best on the rest of your journey!
Great read homie. I believe we are all here to learn the same lesson over and over again. You learned it masterfully at the hands of a brutal teacher. The seed was planted in you early on and it burst forth while you were in the hospital. You Let Go. By meditating on your death, you reached acceptance. I believe this is/was Jesus’ teachings on life
all the way through. However you can’t control a person who understands this, let alone an entire population ❤️🩹
I have been forced to learn this lesson many times over now, through a myriad of different traumas and blessing. I’m using these experiences and fictionalizing them in a Hunter S. Kind of way and trying to write a novel. Check out some of my process on my page if you get time 🙏
wow. my wife is a late stage type 1 diabetic as well. the doctors think it was her childhood cancer treatment/radiation therapy that did it. regardless, the last 7 years have been quite a reality check.
not that I would wish it on anyone, but being faced with death in a non-abstract way can be very liberating. during the “pandemic” we both immediately noticed how terrified yer average American was of getting Covid. convinced by the Gov that their odds of dying on a ventilator was about 50%.
Fear is the Mind Killer...
Thanks for this, Phisto. You taught me about diabetes, and about life--and death. I've been dealing with some health issues myself (though not so serious as yours), which made your thoughts esp meaningful to me. I'll be thinking about you.
Really, for all the talk about diabetes, that's the first time anyone ever really broke it down to me like that...syrupy blood...ugh...
Pretty wild, isn't it? One of the best bits of advice I got was consider myself a science experiment.
In any case, I'm glad it touched you. Whatever your burden, I wish you nothing but strength in the utmost.
Everything good,
in my life,
blossomed
from the treachings
of Death.
~
How to see beauty all around.
How to cherish a single breath so deeply that all the colors of the world, jump to life.
How to tell three hundred million people to fuck-off, at the same time.
Out from a shadow,
Jumped into a hard heart,
A band of wonder.
Very nice sound.
Good piece. Contemplating our own deaths allows us to fully live. It may be the only way to fully live.
I wrote a complementary piece that may interest you:
https://abysspostcard.substack.com/p/the-purpose-of-life-is-a-glorious
Clearly I wasn't expecting that introspection on my Sunday Morning; excellent work.
May you have a Long and Happy Life
In my mind, rest should always allow room for introspection. ;)
Best last words (real or fictional):
“Avenge my death!”
“I only regret that I have but one life to give for my country”
“FUCK!!!” (Multiple)
“What’s this do?”
“Watch this y’all!”
You write with such fierceness,
I confess,
my arrival at the end
is rare
when reading my friend
Phisto.
~
There is one other writer
on this odd little planet,
that has the same effect.
;
I have still never made it through
"I Sing The Body Eletric".
~
You burn very brightly friend. <3
Jeeze. Heck of a compliment.
Thank you, friend.
Well, my friend, I'm going to selfishly wish you a long and healthy life anyway, and you can't stop me! mwahahaha
Of course, I hope you "fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds’ worth of distance run," as Kipling would say, and make of that time whatever you like. And jokes aside, I deeply admire and respect the perspective. I'm reminded of the Stoics, and of Fight Club, and the Simpson's episode where Bart sold his soul to Milhouse... and a great many things, but none of those are the actual experiences you have endured (and continue to integrate into your life), so I thank you for sharing that with us in this eloquent article.
I think you are quite right about how the fear of death can lead to a rejection of life, and how the medical-industrial complex will "see you beaten down, demoralized, and spending your final days lashed to tubes in some hospital room long after your consciousness has ceased. They will feed your body, clean up its shit, and keep your soul from release for mere profane profit." Well said, tragic and horrifying though it may be...
So, it's time for a Kerouac quote!
“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes 'Awww!'"
Powerful, heavy stuff. I have long told myself, when it is time, I will take one final solo trip in the Boundary Waters Canoe Area Wilderness.
Glad to have made your acquaintance. You said something to me recently I have been thinking about. You said I seemed like a to the bitter end kind of guy, in reference to our fight against our aspiring censors. I've been thinking instead, not to a bitter end, but to a beautiful end.
The bitter end is actually beautiful. I agree completely.
It is more difficult to write about the personal edge of life subjects about our own mortality. Your perspective in saying 2019 was much more difficult than 2020 days it all. Once you have faced something like that you can really do anything. As I read I understood your feistiness for justice now. Thank you for sharing your up close and personal journey. I know it was hard to write. Always is when it is an intimate look into our lives. I have not been on this app for long (I’m not much of a writer besides writing to people in D.C. :)or for my Corporate jobs) but you made quite an impression on me. I love your sense of humor, great wittiness and timing. It makes one want to fall in behind with a great General. You have a superpower.
My husband had type 2 diabetes then he got cancer. Chemotherapy and diabetes are a difficult thing. One minute we were talking (my Mr.Mensa had a quick wit too) as I turned I saw he went into a stupor. Try as I might to get a vein I couldn’t do fortunately I lived in a small New England town where I knew everyone. The Fire
Department came and 4 big guys worked on him. They brought him around. Magic in minutes. If the grid goes down to keep insulin cold, wrap it in ziplock bags well and utilize the cold water in the toilet tank if there is no ice or power. Or dig underground to the coolness of the earth, again wrapped well. Insulin needs refrigeration as you well know. I read a lot of prepping. There may be better items you can buy that will do that job but in a pinch these work.
Thank you for the intimate details of a frightening experience. We can all relate to at one point being at the edge of a cliff because in that moment it creates indelible tension. ❤️👏
I decided long ago that the Big Pharma/Medical Machine will not rob me of one second of my dignity, especially when I am dying. No matter the cause, be it disease or old age, I will experience my end sober of mind and spirit, embracing whatever pain or deterioration death holds, (okay, morphine I would take), in order to deny the Machine another desperate patient accepting whatever poison is given them in order to extend their non-lives, (tubes, needles, sterile rooms and lights and food) just one more month, week or day; while their bank accounts are drained and their loved ones stand by and watch the slow horrifying march of a zombie towards death. I have watched far too many die that way. Cancer patients in particular. I want to be with my loved ones, eating delicious food, near a bright sunny window listening to birds sing, listening to audio books, symphonies and operas. Screw the medical establishment.
Excellent piece, I really enjoyed it! I’ve had my own brushes with life-altering health issues and it really does snap your priorities into focus like few other things I can think of. Be well. Thanks for writing this.
Gotta grab life by the short and curlies when you hang that much closer to the end of it.
I know how you feel in some ways. My whole immediate family has health issues, both parents dead by 35. I have my own, regardless of how hard I try to be healthy. Autoimmune disease is uncaring about my efforts. But it makes me want to enjoy life while I can. No apathy here.
I did want to ask you, have you considered keto or carnivore diet for the type 1? I have a friend who's type 1 and she's a spin instructor. I'm always in awe of how healthy she is considering her diabetes, she's better off than most people I know. Truly. I'd consider looking into it if you haven't.
I have, but the risk of keto acidosis turns me off to it. Fortunately, I've remained in pretty good shape with a more conventional diet.
Thanks for reading and commenting. :)
I would like to begin by saying I understand where your journey has lead you concerning death which was the point of your post and is a magnificent point. I also understand that you are not seeking advice but as the mother of a Type 1 who was diagnosed 9 years ago this month, right before his 16th birthday, I would like to share a few things. When he was diagnosed, his blood glucose was 600 mg/dl and we found out he had an A1c of 12.7 so they were certain it had been going on for a while. We missed many of the signs because he was going through puberty so he grew 4 inches in 3 months so we attributed the weight loss to that as my husband and I had both been chubby kids that thinned down when we went through puberty. Any way, as we sat in the hospital being "educated" on how to manage diabetes, I knew what they were telling him didn't make any sense and I told him as much. I then asked him, "If I am willing to do the research and if there is a way to maintain normal blood glucose levels so you can avoid the complications associated with chronically high blood glucose levels will you be willing to do it?" He said he was and I went to work. In 3 months, his A1c was down to 5.2 and it wasn't a 5.2 because he had multiple lows. I had found Dr. Richard K. Bernstein, MD who wrote Diabetes Solution. His story is fascinating. He was diagnosed at age 12 in the 1940s. I won't bore you with his whole story, but he pioneered the current glucose testing diabetics use today and was able to reverse the complications he had developed. He was an engineer but ended up going to medical school in his 40s because no one would listen to what he had discovered because he wasn't a doctor. He proceeded to go into practice and was still practicing into his 80s. Last I knew he was still alive and he was 83 then. Anyway, what he figured out was what we now call a ketogenic diet is what works. His book gives a lot of information on diabetes and diabetes management if you are interested. I understand your concern about DKA but DKA is not the same as being in a metabolic state of ketosis. DKA only occurs in the presence of high glucose levels. Ketones in the blood are not dangerous with normal glucose levels. Cory has eaten this way for 9 years. His endocrinologist only sees him once a year. His last A1c was the worst it's been since diagnosis and it was a 5.6, partially from him getting lazy with his diet and partially from wearing his omnipod on his arms. Once he moved it back to his abdomen, his insulin sensitivity improved. As you know, insulin is expensive. He puts the minimum amount of insulin in his pod, just enough to activate it then in 3 days, he still has to pull insulin out because he doesn't use it all. Since his last A1c, he chose to get back on track and is eating more carnivore. He even did a 4 or 5 day water only fast and did great. (I did ask him to drink an LMNT electrolyte drink on day 3 because I was a bit worried about his sodium, magnesium and potassium.) He had to suspend his insulin occasionally and he had to microdose some with smarties because his cgm, which he just started wearing 2 months ago, indicated he was trending low but he said he felt fine which would be expected in a state of ketosis. Dr. Bernstein says the perfect glucose level is 83 mg/dl. Cory's goal is always 80 - <120. Anything 120 or greater he gives himself a correction dose. He sent me screenshots of his last 2 weeks the other day to show off his flat line with an average glucose of 88 mg/dl. My point in sharing all this with you is, if you have a desire to manage your diabetes and maintain normal blood glucose levels, it is totally possible. Another positive about glucose control is illnesses are not near as scary. He has had multiple stomach viruses over the years with it coming out both ends and has never experienced glucose readings higher that 150. Same with respiratory illnesses, he has basically handled everything as well as our other 3 non diabetic kids. (As a mom, I still worry something terrible every time he is sick and am thankful he was blessed with a wife who takes good care of him and keeps me posted.) As an aside, through all my studying, I became convinced this is the best way all people should be eating. Tbh, his diagnosis was the best thing for the health of our whole family. That is story for another time, but just like Cory, I am 9 years eating this way and have been more carnivore than keto for the last year simply because I feel best eating meat and fat. This was a rabbit hole I never expected to go down but is definitely one I am very passionate about and thankful for, especially when it comes to Type 1 diabetics. As I read how you described it, my heart broke because, yes, all those things are true, but there is a way to manage this disease without riding the glucose roller-coaster and being doomed to all the horrible complications that result from it. I am convinced the medical industrial and pharmaceutical complex don't even give the information to people so they can make a choice because that doesn't put money in their pockets and it's easier to say, "Just eat what you want and cover it with insulin," than to help people because there is a lot to learn. It makes me angry! People should at least be given the information so they have a choice. In the end, we all will die and facing the day of our death and being at peace with it is important and I loved that message. If you took the time to read this whole thing, thank you and please know that I am coming from a place of love, not judgement or lecturing. I want you to know that the information and a community is out there if you decide to check it out. I would love to share resources and information if you ever want it. And if not, that's fine too. 🙂 I wish you all the best on the rest of your journey!
Being a Physician, I believe one of the great blessings is to be aware of how tenuous your health and life are. Cherish each moment
Great read homie. I believe we are all here to learn the same lesson over and over again. You learned it masterfully at the hands of a brutal teacher. The seed was planted in you early on and it burst forth while you were in the hospital. You Let Go. By meditating on your death, you reached acceptance. I believe this is/was Jesus’ teachings on life
all the way through. However you can’t control a person who understands this, let alone an entire population ❤️🩹
I have been forced to learn this lesson many times over now, through a myriad of different traumas and blessing. I’m using these experiences and fictionalizing them in a Hunter S. Kind of way and trying to write a novel. Check out some of my process on my page if you get time 🙏
https://fromaghosttoaghost.substack.com?utm_source=navbar&utm_medium=web&r=38usvw
"you can't control a person who understands this, let alone an entire population."
Agree 100%! Being close friends with one's own death gives one courage.