Phisto's Guide to Shitposting
thus spoke shitposthustra
disclaimers and legal-ish notices:
in case anyone is unawares at this stage the article/profile picture is obviously not me - it’s val kilmer portraying doc holiday in a great movie called Tombstone go watch it after you read my essay especially if you have to call off work to do so
it’ll help you catch the general vibe
additionally please remember this is a work of fiction - all questions, complaints, and hallucinations should be directed to The Partisan’s (under construction) complaint department
ABANDON HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE.
Welcome to The Partisan’s official Guide to Shitposting. I am your host, Phisto Sobanii. Grab a seat, something to drink, and tell your boss you’re gonna be a minute because you got a meeting with Bobs.
On with the show!
phisto’s six rules for shitposting (posting comical stuff on the internet, for you boomers in the back row) he totally just made up and are subject to change at any moment deal with it yah hoser give your balls a tug
make people laugh most importantly yourself
find friends/select out fucking morons who won’t like you anyway
you’re basically ganking brains to see who will ride or die on your bullshit (make sure to reciprocate it’s only fair)
sharing a sense of humor with people is key it makes everything else a lot easier to talk about
when combined spite and the power of laughter is powerful stuff - you will find an everlasting source of motivation against the horrors of the world
if you obey, you acknowledge their authority. if you disobey, you acknowledge their authority. if you laugh they have no authority. this is the single most important thing i’ve ever said.
obligatory subscribe button haha do it you know you want to don’t lie before god:
how to shitpost? DGAF - it is an exercise in self esteem building not just for yourself but also others. you must ultimately edify all that you survey
say the thing people are thinking but unwilling to say because reasons
it’s different online than in real life - use the powers you have here like changing up how the text looks or using emoji :) :P :D to communicate your point - online everything is a nail so be the hammer
sorry that’s just the way it is i don’t make the rules
in real life you have non verbals like body language and your tone of voice - watch really good comedians for how that works especially ones that insult people like frankie boyle. i mean that guy once told a lawyer sitting in the audience he could watch him being gangraped and not feel a flicker of emotion - except anger - that they weren’t killing him. he also got the BBC fined when he made fun of the queen’s schmoo
fucking legend
slang is when language rolls up it’s sleeves and gets to work
cursing is a sign of intelligence and emotion working together in concert. read george s. patton’s Speech to the Third Army to understand what i’m talking about here. for example: just think of the word “fuck” - isn’t that evocative? doesn’t it make you feel things? the right fuck in the wrong place can make all the difference in the world
yes that is a double entendre come at me you sexy bitches (no penis allowed unless you ask her really nicely and she says “ok” but don’t get near me with it ew)
if you think swearing or bawdy humor is not correct you are wrong repent and be saved my child
“SOURCE???” is officially “fake and gay” we are adults having a conversation here on Substack.com not nerds at debate club don’t be a nerd you won’t get money and pussy anyway and all the cool people who grill will hate you
you also won’t get anything done besides fatten your checking account which inflation and nuclear war will make go away anyway haha sucks to suck nerd
say what others are unwilling to say even if it makes you look foolish because courage is important besides this is just the internet you can delete everything and start again so fuck it
there’s nothing new under the sun - it’s not what ideas are made of that makes them interesting but how they are put together
one of the most important rules i ever learned was from
: lack of proper capitalization is a clue i’m not being serious. i mean, i might be because fuck you i’m shitposting but i’m definitely not entirely serious. or maybe i am. is this what esoteric knowledge feels like, ?yes of course (haha scrubs)
shitposting is a running conversation with yourself stop caring if anyone will follow along or not it really doesn’t matter and if they do, good, that’s why you do it like this to pick out the worthy from the not
everyone who likes or comments is worthy of your love and devotion - we are all fighting a difficult battle, be kind
however be fast on the mute and block there are some dull fuckers out there
i block and mute for two reasons and two reasons only:
you’re dumb
you’re boring
sometimes it’s both but it’s always one or the other - don’t be dumb, don’t be boring, don’t be both at the same time whatever you do (i am known for mercy in some special cases like funny puns or nice tits/face)
but not at the expense of the laughs - lolz above all
all the rumors true except the criminal ones oh who am i kidding everything is felony now go nuts ye bastards but don’t violate the terms of service
I’m actually not kidding about that last bit. It’s really important to know where the line is. Please see the following link regarding content which is especially relevant to our discussion here: https://substack.com/content
also don’t be afraid to tag people with that @ button they like attention and being noticed
for example
ay fuck you i luv u bruh grill us steak thx interview me you sexy thing (plz bully him guys but like don’t make it weird chris is cool ok also no bants) hayyyyyyif your mad i didn’t tag you i did it to make you jealous because i love you
unless i don’t love you in which case fuck you
if you’re unsure please ask in the comments
and that takes us to the final lesson of this shitpost of a shitpost: ENGAGE WITH YOUR VICTIMS MEATSACKS OF DISDAIN POTENTIAL LOVERS READERS
don’t be one of these driveby fucks like [REDACTED BY MANAGEMENT - P.] that says the most basic bitch TDS stuff he can imagine and then just cruises on like he single handed won the battle of stalingrad with his good looks, charm, and massive cock (he has none of those things ask his mom HIYO we got jokes relax everybody)
remember what i said at the beginning? you’re trying to make people laugh. you’re trying to make friends. you are most important trying to EDIFY THEM YOU FUCKERS
The world is looking really, really bad right now. We need to buck each other up with the good stuff of life - laughter, joy, and companionship. You can do that online, it just takes work, practice, and a well developed sense of humor. Most importantly, you can practice here for what you might bring offline to your real life. Remember always what matters first: family, community, and culture. In that order.
If you don’t have that sense of humor and want it you can get it right now by just trying. Say something stupid. Act the fool. Clown on something and see what sticks, see what doesn’t. I’ve been doing this since I was 13 years old. I think I’ve gotten pretty good at making people laugh. If a class clown like myself from Ohio of all places (praise Cthulu may-he-eat-us-first inshallah in minecraft) can be happy no matter the state of the things?
Then so can you.
now get the fuck out of my office, private
Thanks for reading!
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“The Partisan’s (under construction) complaint department”, omfg I’m working on it okay!
You've been doing "this shit" since you were 13? Two years already?